Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in amandabelle's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, April 5th, 2011
3:22 pm	I have wonderful support... I was feeling down yesterday. I had spent the day in the library working on a paper for class and the fact that I don't have a job kept coming back to me. So I around four I took a break from writing the paper and emailed my parents. I told them about school, how I want to finish my BS at VCU, and how I am getting depressed about not working for almost a year. I thanked them for letting me vent and sent it off. I met Nolan at the cafeteria for a snack and he brought fried chicken from the chicken box. A place we had been curious about since we pass by it several times a day. But I wasn't hungry and took only a few bites of chicken skin. Which was good and crunchy, but I didn't have an appetite. So he went off to his chem class and I went back to the library to finish my work. When we went home, I told him how I felt about hitting the one year unemployment mark, how that hurts my chances when I send off my resume to someone new, and I don't know how I can get a job with all I've done to look for one. So we had a talk... He told me that he understands that what I am going through. He said that I can't give up even though I've had some opportunities that didn't go through. He said that I am doing so great in school and I should be proud of that. Being on the dean's list two semesters in a row after a bad experience the first time around, so I wasn't wasting my time at all. I am working towards my education for my career, Nolan said of me, and not having a job to get by is a hard situation to get use to. He told me that we are getting by and that our future will work out. Then he said words I didn't think would come out of his mouth. He said, God has a plan for us. He didn't put us together to see us break and fall apart. Nolan and I aren't religious people, we both communicate with God on our own time and in our own way. I pray more when I have relatives who are sick or have passed away. So for him to say what he said, was heart warming for me. It made me feel better and eased some of my worries. Early in the morning, I got an email from my mom. Her words were wonderful and made me cry. She suggested that I volunteer to fill my free time and possibly I will get some good satisfaction from that in a emotional, mental, and/or physical way. She made sure to mention I check out the Catholic churches. Well, it was good to feel support from mom and nolan. In their own words, they said all the right things and I'm going to take a lot from that to try to improve my life. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011
2:45 pm	Clear wireless screwed me over - AGAIN! So Nolan and I have been watching our expenses to the penny.  I mean, we are living on a budget and doing the best we can. We eat hotdogs twice a day as our only meals (its been like this for many weeks of each month), we have stopped buying soda, coffee, and energy drinks, we don't even rent dvds anymore. So when we wanted to splurge today and buy chicken for eight peices at 4.99. I thought, let me check my account online to make sure it won't hurt us. Then I logged on and my account was shorted. Clear had taken money from my account with out my permission or knowledge and they over charged too. what the fuck is all I can say. those bastards, been trying to cancel the service I don't get, but they tell me I have to pay tooth and nail for them to cancel my account. So the bank told me, cancel my card and get a new one. that will stop them from charging my account with out my knowledge. I did that a month ago and still I got screwed over. They can't do anything while the transaction is pending, Now I have no money to put in my car, my idiot empty gas light is on and I have no money because Clear took out my only cushion. I don't know what the hell I am going to do.... The only good news I have for the day was finding out that I made the dean's list from last semester. Great. Not sure what my parents will say about that. Hopefully it will be, I am proud of you. I need some good praises (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011
4:19 pm	venting I can't believe how easy my computer class is. I have to get an a in that class it is too easy. My business law class is going ok. I am not sure if I should write.... mean... It is due soon but I just don't know how the tone should be. Or what my teacher would prefer. I have a few days to review for my test. Accounting is going well too. Just finished my report for the week and we will have spring break after next week. today is just a boring blah day. Nothing exciting is happening. I need to find work and it sucks I have this time and energy to work, but no work. grrrrrr..... I want a sandwich now. turkey bacon lettuce tomato avocado cheese and garlic aoili. yeah nolan is getting me from school now. Going home to relax and study... what an exciting night! (Comment on this)
Monday, February 14th, 2011
12:25 pm	First Brunch in Richmond We went to 3 Monkeys for brunch yesterday. It was the first time I had crab over eggs bendict. It wasn't bad at all. The fried potatoes were perfect as well. The night before, Nolan and I had been excited that they had mimosas on their brunch menu.  I am surprise that I skipped the Mimosas that they were offering. I guess I am done with drinking after all. The last time I had a drink (actually it was a lot of drinks) was at 3 Monkeys too, but it was some time in mid October.  Unfortunately Nolan didn't enjoy his brunch as much as I did. He requested to have poached eggs instead of the scrambled stuff. But they said it was the way the food was prepared. So when he got his food.. It was mostly dry. That's why he wanted to have poached eggs, to have the runny yoke spread around the toast. So he didn't eat too much of it. Too bad. I wanted to have some tempura mahi mahi sandwich from there too, but I was so full.  So I'll have to do some good convincing to get Nolan to take me there again.  Oh well. We went home after returning the pants at O. Navy. They didn't fit right so, back to the store it went. The shock.... The whole mall was empty of stores. I mean the only stores that were inside and running were Ross, Lens Crafters, and O.N. The stores on the outer part of the mall was up and running, but the inside was just depressing. I am enjoying my games very much. I probably won't be buying the tactics orge game right away. I mean... I have hours and days to put into Final fantasy tactics and jeanne d'arc. If only they can combine the two games together... It would be perfect. School is going well. I just finished my homework for ITE. I am averaging a B in Business Law and an A in accounting. I am not going to let my grade get lower than a B. Actually, I don't want it lower than an A. But I have to work really hard to get a better grade in Business Law. The next case study and discussion is a lot more complicated than the last one. So I have to do more research for them. But at least I got an 84 % on the last test. He was kind enough to fix the problem I was having with the testing centers in school. I am still waiting for call backs for work. I had my phone replaced because I kept missing important calls from the bank recruiting manager and possibly the work study people. Well the search continues. I can't just give up. I need to find work, because I can't stay at home and play games all day after the studying is done. I am finally at that point were being productive is important. The games are fun, but after a few hours... I need something I can be proud of.     (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011
11:41 am	killing time I have just completed my ITE 115 test and received 100%. I am happy. It wasn't difficult at all. I want to try to advance in class, but my teacher hasn't released the next test yet. I am having a difficult time writing my casa analysis for business law. My other discussion post had gotten a lot of good comments so far about the content and research I put in it. Which made me happy. I worked hard on it and to be recognized by my classmates, it is a good feeling. I just wish I wasn't stuck on this next paper. I wanted to get it done long before the due date. I like not procrastinating anymore. It gives me time to read, review, and study for the exam. I don't know how difficult the exam will be so it makes me nervous. My accounting class is going pretty well too. I am almost finish with the homework for the class and I have drafted my response to the chapter two case analysis. I really wish my computer and internet at home worked. I still don't have the funds to get it fixed and running again. Clear charged my account for $6 because I put it on hold for the last three months. I can't help it, I don't want to pay for internet service if I don't have a computer works. Life is good. Nolan and I are watching Justice League cartoons during our free time. Yesterday, we took several trips to the DMV to get my license here. It was an event. First I didn't have the right documents. So we went to the bank and got said documents. When it was finally my turn to go to the window. They said it wasn't sufficient, even though their information person said it was. He had looked it over and said it was good. So we went to school and waited to be seen there. I had him get me some twix to give to the people who helped me. Then finally after we had my transcripts, we went back to DMV for the third time that day. The person who was helping me was being yelled at by another customer. Her supervisor had to come up and talk with him. Things that happen at the DMV. It was finally my turn. They said I didn't have to get another ticket to wait, they would see me as soon as I returned. Yay. So we got it all worked out, paid my $32, and signed. I get my card in 7-10 business days. Met a funny guy who lives in Bumpass, Virginia with his mother. Nolan and I got a kick out of that, the guy was laughing with us, so no harm there. Then as a reward for what we had to put with at the DMV, we went looking for a different sushi place. After driving 15 miles and going through 4 toll booths, we arrive at Wasabi. Only it was close until 4:30. We were hungry and getting cranky - I was the cranky one. We went and got pizza instead from Ann's. It smelled so good on the way home. It was great pizza. If it was closer, it would be our pizza from there on out. But the drive there and back isn't satisfying, so the quest for good pizza is still on. I still have another hour and a half before my class begins. I still don't know if I will train and run the 10k. I haven't ran long distance since high school. I want to train, but I don't know how safe the streets are here in Richmond. well I have two months to decide and train. Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Monday, January 31st, 2011
12:48 pm	First entry in a long time Richmond has been good to me. I have three job possibilities that are looking promising. My dream is still to work for the IRS one day. I hope it comes true. I am even reading and taking notes on this accounting for beginners book that I picked up from the library. I need to brush up on the basics. Its been years since my intro to accounting class. I am really loving it, its the geek in me. My classes are good. I am working harder than ever. I don't think I have hard classes this semester, I just want to work and study hard to earn my grade. I want to retain the information and subjects I am given. I envy my boyfriend, Nolan. He remembers a lot of the things he learned from highschool and college. I can ask him anything about government, politics, economics, and social studies/ sciences and he knows. If he doesn't he looks it up or ask someone who does know. And I envy that about him, but I also admire that about him. He has a solid education background... not sure if that is the right word. I am so determined to get straight A's from now on. I am finding the discipline that I didn't know I had or could call on my own. When I was in high school I truly relied on my parents and siblings to push me and also to look up to. Bu when I left their home and presence... I rebelled and didn't do well in school that first time. Now... I want to get it done on my own. I want to achieve because I pushed myself. I have Nolan's support and understanding, but I know that the success I gain is because of me. I finally realize that I have strengh. Before Nolan... I was pretty down and deterriorating inside. People around me, they hardly saw me crack a smile or laugh. I had no self esteem, I had been broken and ashamed that I let it happen to me. But that is the past now. I am stronger woman, who loves herself again. I have my partner Nolan to thank for. He is so understanding, accepting, respectful, and loving. He makes me laugh all the time. He has helped me connect with my parents again. That was hard to do, but here we are talking to my parents after many years of a strained relationship. I will eventually get to my siblings. They are like another set of parents I had disappointed and it is also hard to reconnect to someone when that feeling is there. Current Mood: grateful (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 7th, 2010
8:52 pm	Happy New Year This is going to be a great year in my life! I have complete confidence! My work has taken a lot of attention in the past, but this year, I'm going to work on myself, finishing my goals, and working towards a better future. I have this picture in my mind and I can't wait to make it come true. I really think I can start writing again, well I'm going to give it another shot atleast. Still playing games on the ds, mostly those tactic/ rpg games, I've got a good collection finally. The best part about this year is that I will reach my one year anniversary with my love, N,the first of many many many more. I never thought I could be myself completely. There is so much honesty, trust, laughter, and easiness between us. We talk, we laugh, we comfort, we love, we give strenght - okay, I get a lot more strenght and confidence from him than he does from me, but still I know what counts. The only time I have my guards and defenses up is when I know he's going for a tickle, but I'll counter it with high pitch eeks and the accidental scratches. There are so many aspects of our relationship that I love, topping the love I have for N. The hardest part of the year... reconciling with my family. Sure we have shared a few emails and texts recently, but I know I need to give it more effort and time. My parents aren't getting younger. N's parents aren't getting any younger either. We both have parents of the same age, and being the youngest child of both parents, we have had the least time with them. N's parents are fifteen years apart and mine are ten, both having us late in their lives. I don't want to hate myself in the future for not making memories with my parents while I still have a chance. There is a wedding in the PI this year in our family. Not sure if I can afford to make it. I'm not sure if I can make it a priority. I do want to go back there with N in toll, only because I would love to re-experience the PI, while N sees everything for the first time. It is going to be a great year! I know it. Except they split the harry potter movie in to Two. Part one in 2010 and part 2 in 2011. I bet I won't get my hands on that game until 2012. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 8th, 2008
3:29 pm	dun dun dun ok i'm not really dun. I'm waiting for 6pm to hit so i can be dun dun dun with eco! i know really corny right now. but its in my culture, my nationality to be corny. If you know a filipino you know there are many corny moments. so i've had my second red bull of the day and a stacker pill at around.... 11 ish this morning. I really just want to crawl in to bed and sleep. eat some pasta with a buttery white sauce. crap i've been eating a lot more than usual. is it stress is it denial is it defeat? Current Mood: bouncy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, November 14th, 2008
3:31 pm	from http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/integrity.htm The Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent M. Keith People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think big anyway. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway. Current Mood: cold (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 21st, 2008
12:29 pm	Miles Away "So this is love, or so you tell me As you're walkin', out the door Months go by, and I know for certain It's not the love, I'm lookin' for" "Some times, just for a moment, I reach out; hope you're still there" "Miles away, No; you're never turnin' back, I just can't wait anymore Miles away, Nothin' left of what we had, Just when I needed you most... You were miles away..." "It's hard to tell, what you're goin' through You kept your feelings locked inside of you Open your heart, and chances are, What you're feelin', I'm feelin' too" "If only, just for a moment, Hold on, to the dreams that we had" "Miles away, No; you're never turnin' back, I just can't wait anymore Miles away, Nothin' left of what we had, Just when I needed you most You were miles away" "When times were tough, and you were down and out Who was there by your side? Now you've gone; I'm so tired of bein' alone.. With only youromises..." "Lonliness just fades away, Thoughts of you; just memories No cryin' now, for what we're missin' Time won't forget what you meant to me" "Hold me, just for a moment Hold on, to the dreams that we had" "Miles away, No; you're never turnin' back, I just can't wait anymore Miles away, Nothin' left of what we had, Just when I needed you most, whoa-oh, Miles away, No; you're never turnin' back, I just can't wait anymore, Miles away, Nothin' left of what we had, Just when I needed you most..." "You were mi-les a-way..." Current Mood: crazy (Comment on this)
Monday, October 20th, 2008
6:19 pm	song hunting So I fell in love with three songs. I am trying to get lyrics but for some reason every time I sit in front of the damn computer I forget one of them! the most meaningful one! fuck Runaway Train lyrics Call you up in the middle of the night Like a firefly without a light You were there like a blowtorch burning I was a key that could use a little turning So tired that I couldn't even sleep So many secrets I couldn't keep Promised myself I wouldn't weep One more promise I couldn't keep It seems no one can help me now I'm in too deep there's no way out This time I have really led myself astray Runaway train never going back Wrong way on a oneway track Seems like I should be getting somewhere Somehow I'm neither here nor there Can you help me remember how to smile Make it somehow all seems worth while? How on earth did I get so jaded? Life's mystery seems so dated I can go where no one else can go I know what no one else knows Here I am just drownin' in the rain With a ticket for a runaway train Everything is cut and dry Day and night earth and sky Somehow I just don't believe it Runaway train never going back Wrong way on a oneway track Seems like I should be getting somewhere Somehow I'm neither here nor there Solo Bought a ticket for a runaway train Like a madman laughin' at the rain A little out of touch little insane It's just easier than dealing with the pain Runaway train never going back Wrong way on a oneway track Seems like I should be getting somewhere Somehow I'm neither here nor there Runaway train never comin' back Runaway train tearin' up the track Runaway train burnin' in my veins Runaway but it always seems the same Current Mood: stressed (Comment on this)
Monday, October 13th, 2008
7:15 pm	back in the cycle I'm working so much, trying to balance school and life, and sleep. How is it all possible? I mean there is only twenty four hours in a day and there's not enough time for anything. I'm back to working in accounting, back to babysitting, back to school, back to playing my game boy, and back to eating rose garden food almost everyday. Atleast I am being more trusted at work. I have more responsibilities now, my opinion is worth listening to most of the time. AND I'm getting an electronic stapler. I always thought that once my boss orders one for me I am truly part of the accounting team. today, my first day back, she told me she is ordering one for me and also more pencils. Yeay! so with working for there this week i have 40 hours regular time and 4 hours ot. which is pretty good. anything over ten, taxes eat up. and instead of getting three days off like i was suppose to, she wants me to come in and work two other days! I shouldn't be happy since its a lot of effort to leave work to head to school then home but i know it will be good in the end. i wish my papers were this easy to write. So after not being sick for this whole women of faith weekend, my throat is hurting real bad. I am sucking down tea i hate drinking but it suppose to be good for you right? anyways, I have to head home to study more on biology! first test tomorrow. Lots to do before then. I also need to eat a good meal. i haven't eaten anything good all day. Just a plain can of raviole. i hope i do ok this term. I really have to.... Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 20th, 2008
10:00 pm	things are looking up had my first taste of dutch brothers. good stuff. double mocha please iced. got lots of stuff happening this month but everythings seems to be getting better. the worst has past i hope. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 10th, 2008
3:33 pm	lyrics of my feelings I had it all But I let it slip away Couldn't say I treated you wrong Now I wander around Feeling down and cold Trying to believe that you're gone Chorus: Love takes time To heal when you're hurting so much Couldn't see that I was blind To let you go I can't escape the pain Inside 'Cause love takes time I don't wanna be here i don't wanna be here alone Losing my mind From this hollow in my heart Suddenly I'm so incomplete Lord I'm needing you now Tell me how to stop the rain Tears are falling down endlessly Love takes time To heal when you're hurting so much Couldn't see that I was blind To let you go I can't escape the pain Inside 'Cause love takes time I don't wanna be here I don't wanna be here alone You might say that it's over You might say that you don't care You might say you don't miss me You don't need me But I know that you do And I feel that you do Inside Current Mood: angry (Comment on this)
Monday, June 9th, 2008
2:54 pm	venting off work Its another week of the end. The end of school this term. i realize that i can't wait to get all this general ed stuff out of the way. i want to start my real accounting career. Its hard to care about other subjects right now. I haven't worked in my office for two weeks now. I did stop by last thursday to drop of some jones cakes but I didn't even get a chance to say hello to everyone. Ive been in and out of the track for work but i feel pretty useless there unless i'm handling the money. I keep getting sucked in for other work or for babysitting other employees. My bosses like me i know but I hope they know that this isn't the department i want to stay in. I am not planning on moving to other states. I have been stuck in a transition. I'm trying to change my character. Trying to be more appealing on paper but its hard to translate the image i see in my head to words. i thought that if i write more on paper than have to start on a clear doc it would become easier to get out what i want. but its not coming out the way it should be. all i want is to get my story out there. I need some time to concentrate on this time to focus and just get in my flow of writing. Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008
12:11 pm	So its been a long two weeks. Haven't had much time to concentrate on homework just because of work and isaac. well things were kind of going down hill financially for me. I hadn't worked for two or more weeks that I didn't have much to pay power, get new work stuff and shoes for the new location. Isaac helped me out with all the work stuff, bought me shoes, pants, shorts, and a few shirts, and even gave me money for my groceries and some movie rental money. I'll finish this later. Have to head work to meet isaac. hopefully i'll get caught up with some more school work this week every day. I think i need cupcakes.... soon.... Current Mood: cranky (Comment on this)
Monday, May 12th, 2008
3:43 pm	what's left of me? Some times I feel broken inside but I'll never admit it. I'll lie through me teeth before I will admit when I truly feel hurt. I don't know why people keep saying that its not good to bottle everything inside. Its worked for me for the past 23 years. I have kept secrets that will hurt my mother and father. My sister once said, I'll never forgive her for still leaving that night... I wonder what she has in her bottle of emotions. well she has paul to bitch to so i guess there isn't much she doesn't share with him. they've been attached at the hip since '95. But why not keep things inside for ever? I don't hurt anyone else. So what if it hurts me? My feelings don;t matter. I don't really, I have sacrificed my happiness and pleasures for as long as i remember. why break such a great habit? I want to hop on a train to anywhere, take my computer and just keep on finishing my papers. So much of me just wants to get away from reality and stay in my fantasy world. Not sure what ties i have left. Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Monday, May 5th, 2008
4:27 pm	i am all confused. its not the usual excuses. i have this big thing hanging over my head. and at the moment i am frozen. unable to make a sound or a scream. and i want to scream. i've hardened on the inside once again, because i let myself fall into this mess. i hate being blind but i know what i don't really see, what i am missing from vision. i keep hearing songs, that just speak straight to my heart how i feel, what i am going through, or songs that remind me of some old feelings... don't speak.... no doubt because of you...kelly from idol Love don't make no sense... JOE my loving...en vogue so many others i can't write it all... lyrics of my heart... i am hiding behind my work... went out and got another job today. that makes three on my list. well if i get the job it will mean three jobs for me plus school. I want to get out because i can't even feel comfortable sleeping in my own bed. i want to jump in front of a bus. I keep adding chapters to my previous works, details i was too lazy to write, but now that i want to get away... just trying anything i can to get out of being in this reality. Current Mood: crappy (Comment on this)
Monday, April 21st, 2008
2:46 pm	i see blue eyes staring at me in wonder. i feel heat when the pair glances at me. oh how i miss seeing him... but i guess really its not meant to be. i haven't heard back from him in awhile. you know i had this whole entry typed out for him but i didn't get to save thr draft. so oh well... i'm stillhopeing that something will pop up soon. because i can't get this guy out of my head. Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Monday, February 11th, 2008
6:53 pm	i'm thinking that i got everything under control but its far from true i'm just beat today, mentally physically, emotionally, damn school damn work damn isaac Current Mood: annoyed (1 Comment |Comment on this)